Healing Our Trauma to Become Regulated Parents and Break Generational Patterns

As we enter in to this new year, I am sitting with the realisation that my baby is turning 10 this year. That means nearly a decade of motherhood, nearly 10 years that I have been blessed by my daughter, who has taught me to be a mother and continues to be my greatest teacher and mentor in parenthood. Parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding roles a person can take on. Yet, many parents face a hidden struggle: how to raise their children without passing down the trauma they themselves experienced. When our own childhoods were marked by instability, neglect, or emotional pain, it can be difficult to know how to become calm, consistent, and emotionally available parents. lets take a look at how healing our trauma helps us become regulated parents and stop harmful patterns from continuing through generations.

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact on Parenting

Trauma shapes how we respond to stress, emotions, and relationships. When trauma is unhealed, it often leads to reactive parenting—where parents may unintentionally express anger, fear, or withdrawal or disassociate in ways that confuse or hurt their children. This happens because trauma affects the brain’s regulation of emotions and stress responses.

For example, a parent who grew up in an unpredictable environment might struggle with anxiety or anger outbursts. Without tools to manage these feelings, they might respond harshly or inconsistently to their child’s behavior. This can create a cycle where children learn to expect instability or emotional distance, repeating the pattern in their own future families and relationships.

Recognising this cycle is the first step. It means acknowledging that our reactions are often shaped by past wounds, not just the present moment.

What It Means to Be a Regulated Parent

Being a regulated parent means managing your emotions and reactions in a way that creates safety and predictability for your child. It does not mean being perfect or never feeling upset. Instead, it means:

• Recognising your triggers before they escalate

• Pausing to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively

• Modeling calmness even in difficult moments

• Providing consistent care and boundaries that children can rely on

  
  

Children learn emotional regulation by watching their parents. When parents stay calm, children feel safe and learn to manage their own feelings better.

Steps to Heal Trauma and Build Parenting Skills

Healing trauma is a process that takes time and effort. You may seek many different modalities to help you mitigate, regulate and recongnise where you triggers lie and what tools are most helpful for you and your whanau. Here are some practical steps parents can take to heal and grow:

1. Seek Support and Professional Help

Talk Therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to explore past wounds and develop coping strategies. Therapists trained in trauma can guide parents through understanding their emotional responses and building healthier patterns. Its important to understand that that trauma is also stored in our physical body too,

some holistic practices for physical release may include rongoa maori: romiromi/mirimiri, somatic movement, certain yoga practices, nervous system training, tapping and so much more.

2. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness

Mindfulness helps parents notice their feelings and bodily sensations without judgment. This awareness creates space to choose how to respond rather than reacting automatically. Simple practices like deep breathing or grounding exercises can reduce stress in the moment.

3. Learn About Attachment and Child Development

Understanding how children develop emotionally and physically helps parents set realistic expectations and respond with empathy. Books, workshops, and parenting groups focused on attachment can be valuable resources.

4. Build a Support Network

Parenting is easier with support from friends, whanau, or community groups. Sharing experiences and advice reduces isolation and provides encouragement. You are not alone!

5. Create New Family Rituals and Traditions

Positive routines and rituals build connection and security. Whether it’s a bedtime story, weekly family meals, or special outings, these moments help rewrite family narratives with love and stability. Our personal favorite is sharing three things that we are great-full for from that day, each night before going to bed. Ending our day with positivity is a non-negotiable.

Examples of Breaking the Cycle

Consider a mother who grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable. She noticed she often shut down when her child cried or responded in anger. Through a variety of therapy methods, she learned to recognise this pattern as a defense mechanism from her own childhood. She practiced staying present with her child’s emotions, even when uncomfortable. Over time, her child became more expressive and secure, showing that healing allowed a new pattern to emerge.

Another example is a father who experienced harsh discipline as a child. He feared losing control and often yelled at his kids. By learning calming techniques and parenting strategies, he replaced yelling with clear, calm communication. His children responded with more cooperation and less fear, they were not afraid to come to their father when they needed help or advice.

Challenges on the Healing Journey

Healing trauma while parenting is not easy. At times you may face setbacks, feelings of guilt, or frustration. It’s common to slip into old patterns, especially during stressful times. The key is to treat yourself with kindness and keep trying, reset and restart.

Remember that healing is not about erasing the past but about creating a better present and future. Each small step toward regulation and connection helps break the chain of trauma, its not about forgetting what happened but how we can accept it as part of our story and allow it to integrate so we can live more peacefully in the present.

Tools to Support Regulated Parenting

Here are some tools parents can use daily:

• Journaling to process emotions and track progress

• Breathing exercises like the 4-7-8 technique to calm nerves

• Setting clear boundaries with gentle but firm limits

• Using “I” statements to express feelings without blame

• Taking breaks when overwhelmed to reset before responding

  
  

The Role of Compassion in Healing and Parenting

Compassion for yourself and your child is essential. Trauma can make us harsh critics of our own parenting and of others. Instead, approach your journey with patience and understanding. Recognise that both you and your child are learning and growing together.

When children feel their parents’ compassion, they develop resilience and trust. This foundation helps them thrive emotionally and socially.

Its not about being perfect, perfect was never the goal-its to show and give our tamariki tools that will help them navigate life and to help them build a stable foundation as they embark on their own journey in this sometimes hard to navigate life, if they can start out with just a few more tools than what we had, surely that's paving a stronger future for them.

Nga mihi whakawhetai,

Jade